i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
