There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Boobs speak an international language.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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