So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
