rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
