Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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