Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
