So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
