i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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