Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
