One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
