Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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