420 ftw
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
