We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
