my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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