It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
