I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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