Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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