I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
