2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
