I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Little spoons don't ask big questions
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
