All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
