Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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