Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
