i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
