This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Floor bacon is actually really good
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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