i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
