So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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