Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
