Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
