Screwed.edu
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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