Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
