plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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