I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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