From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
