It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
