"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
