Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
