So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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