party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
