So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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