I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Randomize
