People with herpes should wear stickers.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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