Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
