I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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