My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
