note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
