i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
