I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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