I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
