I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
