4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
