Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
