Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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