I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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