They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Mom said you looked used
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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