I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize