WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize