I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
