you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
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