It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I puked a lego.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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