Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
stop calling my apartment porn island.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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