Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
