I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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